God's-Eye View

Of all the mysteries

Surrounding

Our creator

Our maker

The Lord of the Universe

The one mystery

That eludes me

Most often

Is the way

He seems to

Like

Me

Most days

I barely like

Myself

Tolerate

At best

My imperfections

Strides towards

Total self-destruction

My utter lack of will power

The inability to change

Anything

About myself

To paraphrase

St. Paul

What I want to do

I can’t manage to pull off

What I want to avoid

Seems to drag me into its path

Seems to surround me

All these failures

These terrible character traits

Seem to be enough

To push away

The friends and acquaintances

Who can’t stand loudmouths

Who judge my devotion to God

Who give me the once over

And cast me aside

Like a second from the factory

To be sold at a discount

To the lower classes

The friendless

Not the popular

Or the In crowd

It is no wonder

That my mirror

Is distorted

I see through their perceived

Eyes

No longer a true image

The flaws hide the beauty

No longer optimistic

Depressed thoughts

Drag me deeper

Into the abyss

Of self-criticism

How does the Maker

Feel about the disparagement

Of his masterpiece?

The quirks and imperfections

He so carefully chose

To compliment

The strengths

To build the character

Of his chosen child

His view is also distorted

He is colour blind

To the shades of

The outer shell

The masks

I wear

He sees only the

Heart

The inner beauty

The passions

Emotions

Intentions

Those I love

The traits I wish

I could show the world

I don’t need to hide

From Him

There would be

No point

He’d find me

I’m on His radar

He knows me best

Yet He still

Likes me

In spite of

Because of

The chinks

In my armour

That allow Him

To get inside

To move inside

My soft heart

My desire?

To see

Me

Through His eyes

To know me

Better

As He knows me

To one day

Like myself

The way God

Likes me

June 30, 2009

My Apology

It's inevitable

My mouth

The trouble-maker

Getting me into

Sticky situations

Hurting those closest to me

Those I care for

Those who used to care for me

Before

The iron grip

I wish to have

On my tongue

Can never be strong enough

Can never hold the reigns

Turn the steed in the right direction

Away from danger

Ruin

Despair

Apologies

Never enough

Absolutely

The lamest

Most ridiculous

Excuses

There ARE no excuses

My mistakes

My words

Once set free

To roam the air

Seeking ears

Seeking minds

To contaminate

Always the same

A careless comment

Made in humour

Begins the slippery descent

The laughter becomes forced

Awkward

Regret

Never enough words to explain

Never enough time to retrace the steps

To reel it all back in

Take it all back

I know

The pain in my heart

The empty thud

In the pit of my stomach

Must

Be worse than the offense

You feel

Berating my stupidity

Utter lack of self-control

Complete human-ness

Repeated transgressions

The path walked so many times

Now familiar

Rutted by my heavy feet

I wish I could cry

I wish I could use my tears

Salted water

Wash away my shame

My guilt

Clean the slate

But all I have is another word

Completely inadequate

Yet somehow

Poetic justice

That a word is what I cling to

My life preserver

My last hope

Of forgiveness

Rests in a word

Yet to be spoken

Sorry

(June 29, 2009)

Grandpa's Card

I found a card at my grandparents that I made for Grandpa's 58th birthday (1999). I liked the verse inside, so here it is

Grandpa

I found the perfect card for you.
I used some scissors, tape and glue.
Some parts were missing, ripped or torn,
A little bit ragged and somewhat worn.
When it was done, finished and through,
It kind of reminded me of You.
It wasn't perfect and far from new,
But it's better that way and
I love you!

Inspiration

So I was rereading a few of my favorite poems last night and decided to share them. These are by some of my fellow ABU grads, as published in a book called "Lunch: My Favorite Season" that was presented to me by Dr. Mantz upon graduation. I will say in no uncertain terms, these poets have inspired me to write my own poetry. Thanks.

In the Choices by Jenn Carson
I hate heels
like Marion walking sideways down the stairs
they don't let me get where I'm going fast enough

I hate pantyhose
they dig into my stomach
never keep my legs warm
and they itch

I wear men's work pants
because they have lots of pockets to hold my things
but

I still come home from a long day
to a pile of dishes no man will wash
and put on my black lace negligee
so I will look like a woman for him



Bathtub Song for You by Jenn Carson

I'm determined not to sensationalize this
The last thing the world needs
is another sad love poem
gushing in the glory of separation

I'm sitting in the bathtub
I'm not really dirty
or cold
though I did find it chilly today
but more because
I need the kind of warmth
that a blanket doesn't provide

I've been in here so long
that is keeps growing tepid
abd I keep scalding my toes
by adding more hot water
I have to remind myself
to let the old water out

I'm eating a piece of stale
room temperature
raisin bread toast
with peanut butter on it
it's dry and it sticks
in the back of my throat
I wash it down
with a mug of skim milk
that was sitting on the bathroom floor

I'm not even hungry
I just keep putting things in my mouth
because it's empty
because your mouth isn't here

And soon I will have to climb out
of my porcelain uterus
and make my way to the bed
and stare at the ceiling
imagining you hovering over me
like you do in the mornings
surprising me with your warm
thoughtful eyes

And I will think about
how I have to wake up
and do this all over again
for what feels like a million lifetimes
until I can hold you in my litle arms

And I contemplate drinking
all the rum and wine and vodke
in my kitchen
or chain-smoking
until I burn a hole through my lung
or accidentally falling asleep
while I hold my breath
in this lonely barren bathtub

And I'm determined not to sensationalize this
But fuck multum in parvo
there's no way to say
how much I miss you
in a stanza or even a paragraph

It's just me without you
and this tub
and this emptiness

And I wait

And I wait